divorcehas drastically changed. at least, i'm crossing my fingers that it has. i'm pretty sure last night was one of those life-altering experiences. i know i sure as hell won't forget it anytime soon, if ever.
ok, so if any of you didn't know, my dad is an ass. he drinks and treats my mom like shit. he's never there for me or my sister. he's basically a piece of trash, and has been for as long as i can remember. well, a couple of months ago it got obviously worse. he kept going on about this female "pen pal" who he was always texting from work. so i got into his phone, because i know my mom had no idea how to check, and i found a lot of dirty pictures and texts. it was disgusting, and i showed my mom, and all she did was tell him he should move in with her, because he wasn't welcome here.
well, my mom pussed out, because by the time me and angie were celebrating the fact that she actually stood up to him, he had talked her out of it, saying give him a month and he'll stop drinking and hopefully we could be a better family. fat chance. he hid his drinking more for about 2 weeks, then it went up fom there until he was worse than ever. and the texting didn't stop, i know it didn't, because i'd see him sitting in his car, red faced and sweaty, texting away for half an hour at a time if not more, and when i pointed this out to my mom she said it was none of our business anyway.
and then i found some more solid proof he was playing her. on craigslist he was cruising personal ads. not the 'lets meet and be friends' kind of ads, either. there was a lot of very explicit content in those, and on the history bar online. because he's so subtle as to not think of at least clearing the history after he's setting up these internet flings. he's the least clever cheater in the history of the world, i think. borderline retarded.
and that's how it's been, texting and internet affairs, tons of porno recorded on tivo. not to mention his raging alcoholism. he has no respect for women, that's one of the things that really kill me. he only thinks women are for one thing, and that if my mom wasn't supplying that she wasn't being a wife, and his actions were justified. well, it just got a whole lot worse. he went to burning man, which is bad enough as it is. him and a bunch of high and drunk hippies, many of whom run around naked, of course he's not going to restrain his self. but this is the worst, without telling my mom, he brought a woman. a woman he slept with. a woman we knew personally, for crying out loud, i almost dated her son!!! how screwed up is that? he'd been having a thing with her for at least a few months, too. "geocaching trips" as fucking if!
i found this all out before i went to choir. on the bright side, i absolutely love singing and had a great time there. then when i got back, he's laying there on the couch. "hi sweetie." i tell him don't talk to me, in my most venemous voice. i even repeat it, for his benefit. then i go into angie's room to talk to her for a little, hoping that if i just avoid the living room i can avoid the conflict i can feel getting ready to explode into a full out fight. so i give it a little, but then eventually wander into the living room, to get online and blog and im like i need to. he started it. he talked to me when i told him not to.
and yea... i freaked out on him. i full out started yelling at him. some of what i said was get out, we don't want you, are you stupid for not seeing that we haven't wanted you around for a long time, you cheated on my mom, you are not my father, among many other lovely sentiments. every time i brought up his drinking, he brought up my mom's gambling. it's like excuse me, but we're not fucking talking about her, ok? we love her. we're now in debt because of her, but you know what, she realizes she has a problem and doesn't gamble anymore. my dad thinks his drinking is fine, and that he deserves to drink because of my mom not being a good wife. he thinks his sleeping around is justified.
but he kept blaming everything on my mom. apparently she has me "brainwashed" because i'm not smart enough to think for myself. apparently i'm only seeing one side of the story, and that i can't understand that a man has needs and that without a healthy physical relationship she's depriving him of a normal life. then it's like, get the fuck out, then. she doesn't want you, we don't want you. you're not my father.
and he left. he left last night and came back today to grab more stuff, and is staying at a friend's house. who is the best friend of the girl he slept with. ugh.
how am i supposed to react to this?
i'm glad he's gone, it felt good to get everything out. but my heart broke. this is worse than just about anything a guy has put me through, because all of a sudden i had to grow up. i knew my parents had a screwed up marriage for years, now. but somehow, it felt like maybe if i pretended enough we'd all get through it ok. forget love, they didn't even like eachother.
you know when you have a bad dream? you wake up and try to remember it, over even better, say it out loud? and it goes away, right? well part of me was hoping it'd be the same with this. i'd tell him how i felt, how screwed up he was and that none of us wanted him around. and he'd see the error of his ways and something would change in him for the better. i mean, he wasn't even drunk this time! he had had a drink, which for him counts as 2 anyways because his rum and cokes are like 3 parts rum, one part pepsi.
but he wasn't even drunk, or as drunk as usual, and he still didn't get it. he still thought he was right and my mom was wrong and those were the only two sides and we chose her because she brainwashed us and that everything was her fault. his drinking was because of her, and he deserved to sleep around and have internet and phone affairs because she wasn't being a good wife because she wouldn't sleep with him when he was drunk, although he never made that connection.
i don't believe in marriage anymore. i don't. i don't want to be in the same position as her, or if someone i end up having kids, i don't want them to have to grow up like i did and feel as bad as i do right now. at least my sister's a little to young to fully get it, a small blessing, but still.
my heart is broken in the way that matters more than anything. my belief in family is shattered. i know i'll get over it. i'm stronger than all this. but for now, i just feel lost and broken. i don't miss him, i know i won't, not for a long time because for forgiveness there has to be change.
i just have to find a way to make it past right now, my mom has me and my sister has me, and i have friends like jason and chelsea and even casey. i just feel really lost right now. relieved to have got it all out, but lost in my emotions. melodramatic, maybe, but it's how i feel.
ok. i'm done now.
