giving upa lot has happened since my last blog. i promoted to 9th grade, highschool. did the whole most outstanding student speech thing. didn't screw up too bad. had some fun, got some flowers.
the best part was the dance. it was cool and stuff. awesome lights and music. the best part was i got to dance with brandon moore. yes, the king of the class of 2011.
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but it doesn't matter. the one dance got my hopes up and is screwing up my summer filling my head with daydreams about him. he doesn't like me, i like him. same as usual. i doodle and daydream, waiting for my prince and dreaming it could be him, or kyle, or some other guy. but you know what, it won't happen. no sane guy would love or even like me how i am now. but i won't change for anyone, and so i end up with no one. but he screwed up the balance. i am invisible, i repeat, invisible. by dancing with me he completely screwed up how i saw myself. how i really am.
now i've decided i will no longer write about him. if i dream, i dream. if a drawing shows the shadow of his face, so be it. but i will no longer, after this entry, on myspace or mindsay, ever bring him up. i am pasting everything onto this seldom-used account as a reminder of my past. cleaning out my closet, so to say.
if i change my mind later on, at least now i have a written confession of what he's done to upset my life. it wasn't strictly his fault, but he should have known better than to dance with a geek. geeks=popularity=disaster
so here are the remains of my stories, poems, wishes about him.
i am giving them up.
Monday, June 11, 2007
 | pessimist poetry
i love him more than anything but never let it show |
pessimistic Saturday, June 09, 2007
| | another tale
it all started at the orientation. micha saw this cute guy, who looked like an 8th grader. she had tons of energy and confidence from a great summer, and so walked up with a friend and introduced herself. the shy guy said hi, then she left.
she had a lot of classes with him. since she lost most of her friends, she decided to make another one with byron, the new kid. micha started to like him after just a few days. he started dating one of her friends, which sounded pretty dumb, but micha was ok with it. used to the whole being in the shadows though.
micha got her schedule changed. which she was glad of, but she regretted losing the chance to spend time with such a nice, funny, smart guy. the fact that he was movie star cute wasn't lost on her, either. unfortunately, every other girl finally caught on.
so he became popular. and a player, horndog, and he also fell in love with kasey. kasey was an old friend of micha's. but even she didn't understand what byron could see in kasey. oh well. byron dated some other girls, but it never worked out because of kasey. kasey dated a couple guys, but it never worked because of byron. they dated eachother, though, and that didn't work either. because of the other people.
while all this happened micha just rolled her eyes and shook her head. she saw how he acted around them. the reasons they dated were purely due to the physical aspects of the couples. none of them saw they guy she knew from the beginning of the year- the funny, sweet, nice byron. all they saw was a hot guy who flirted alot. and was in a band, although most girls went on reputation alone and had never seen him in his true musical element.
and the end of the year rushed up. a whole year of hidden feelings and harboured feelings for a guy so apparently out of micha's reach. she was tired of it. in little ways she opened up. even if it was as small as wiping glitter on him, or wearing clothes that were more flattering and revealing.
and she talked to kasey about him. kasey knew other girls liked him, and was even regretful that because of her they had little chance of getting him. kasey knew he liked other girls too. according to kasey, byron even thought micha was pretty. kasey started saying he and micha should dance at the promotion dance. micha would have loved that more than anything, but she knew kasey was just being a good, overly optimistic friend. micha was just glad to know byron aknowledged her existence.
promotion night was here. micha thought she looked pretty, and when she saw byron her eyes just glazed over in a little daydream because of how good he looked. then she jolted out of it and told him, "you look good." he smiled and returned the comment, then she went inside. all her friends freaked out over how she looked, and then the ceremony started. it was cool and everything ran smoothly, and she cheered him loudest of course.
then it was the dance. everything was awesome. but less than halfway through she was having a really good time, but not one of huge signifigance. then a slow song came on. micha first danced with roren, an old friend of hers, then she broke it off to dance with chelsea. she was turning with her, then she came in eye contact with kasey. who was with byron. kasey got a huge grin, broke off with him, and pulled micha over. she was now dancing with byron.
he wrapped his arms around her and they just danced like that, closer and smoother than what micha was willing to get with any of her guy friends that liked her. then they talked. byron asked about summer plans, talked about his tour. micha congradulated himm asked about band. they were actually talking. and he called her cute, she got even woozier and he asked if she was ok because she was shaking so bad. the song ended and they locked eyes for a moment before walking their seperate ways.
micha was floating on a cloud. she just had the dance of her dreams. with the guy she had loved for months. and we was sweet and funny and smart and musical, just like how she remembered him. they were so close, their faces inches apart and gazing at eachother, that if it were any other guy she'd swear he wanted to kiss her. afterwards, too, she loosened up at the dance and had some real fun. her euphoria lasted for days. she knew, if she was about to die, she'd be ok, because she danced with byron, so it was all worthwhile. she risked sitting closer to him, so maybe they could talk. they did, a little, and exchanged numbers even. and on the last day of school she micha even got a hug, and they walked arm in arm out of the school.
the summer is what really started their friendship, or relationship, or whatever you wanted to call it. she called him a few times, talked about music and his band. music was a big thing they had in common, or their love for it was. he even called her. byron promised micha and her friend lily guitar lessons, even.
one day while micha was browsing for an interesting read he walked in. while her heart did that annoying flippy thing, she just kept looking as if he wasn't in the same library as her. then byron saw her and came over. he just grabbed the same book she was about to take, and said all nonchalantly, "oh here, i guess you can have it." she laughed, and since she hadn't seen him in weeks just gave him a quick hug. "you don't seem like the library kinda person," she teased. micha was hoping he couldn't see her shaking. and he replied, "actually, i'm not. just got out of football practice and remembered you saying something about dropping by here." micha was touched he'd remember that but said, truthfully, "i'm flattered you'd go out of your way to see me. i'm just about done now, though." "oh, ok," he looked genuinely disappointed.
she thanked him again, got her books checked out, and was almost out of the door, when he walked up and asked, "want to go to the lake with me this summer? like thursday." micha blushed and said she'd try to get permission. then she hugged him one last time, looked up at him, and then he actually gave her a little kiss before turning back. she could hardly think, it was like everything was absurdly bright and happy and she had this urge to sing and spin in circles.
thursday took forever to get there. micha obsessed about her suit- did she look fat? gangly? too white? but eventually realized it would do no good, and he'd seen her before at the class trip anyway. she did do a lot of tanning in those few days, and had a bronze sheen she was pretty pround of. it took as much effort convincing her mom to let her go. she had to point out things like there would be other people, adults, and it was at day use. finally she agreed. micha was set.
and then it was thursday! micha's mom drove her out, and met his parents (of course) when they met at the lake. she was a little embarassed at her mom's insistence to do so, but the adults ended up getting along great.. so when micha's mom left, it wasn't with 6 gazillion warnings, just a 'have a good time, call me when you're ready to get picked up.' she took it as a good omen.
byron and micha had a great time. they played beach volleyball with some other teens and splashed around in the water for hours. after the exhaustion of hours in the hot sun, they both just collapsed in the warm sand and looked at eachother. micha smiled, stretched, and said "thanks, this is the most fun i've had all summer." "more fun than hanging at the library?" he teased. "i don't know, last time i went, i left pretty happy." so he smiled again, and kissed her. warm and long. when they broke apart micha was breathless.
then a shadow crossed her mind. "and how does your endless love for kasey fit into this?" "kasey, the girl who cares more about my hair than my music? who didn't want me to go on tour because she'd be stuck back here while i was out pursuing my dreams? she doesn't understand me." the rest of the words went unspoken, but not unheard. 'not like you.' micha was content with that answer, understood it, had thought the very same thing for months. so she nodded.
he asked, in turn, "how is it that i'm finally able to melt the heart of the ice princess? you never talked to me before." "yes i did. we hung out a lot in the beginning of the year. but... you were with shana. just like whenever else i was around, there was some other girl. now i have you all to myself." and micha, in the boldest action she had ever done, pulled byron close and kissed him. to prove her point, of course. then, to micha's dismay, in the hall of the mountain king rang out. her cell phone. so she got up and it was, of course, her mom. saying it was kind of late and her father wanted to start dinner, and she would be at the lake in 20 minutes. micha relayed the message to byron, who sighed in resignation. his parents were still across the beach lounging in the sun and reading magazines.
byron and micha told him, then went in the water one last time. by the time she and byron got out she could see her mom's car in the distance. so he kissed her, again, and walked her up to where her mom was pulling up. he gave her one last hug, said thanks, and opened the door for her. micha felt like she was driving out of a dream. her mom repeated the question a couple times before micha got that she was asking how her time went. "great," she replied muzzily. then she fell asleep to sweet dreams of byron.
the next day she was on myspace and had a comment. from guess who- byron! it was one of those little box icon thingies that come from the sites. it was black with blue letters and clouds and went: 'did it hurt when you fell from heaven? because you sure seem like an angel to me.' then there was a lil pink angel and a blue one holding hands with a heart above them. micha thought it was the cutest thing ever! she sent one back- 'i fell you you, but you caught me and held on. my hero!' it had a little superman holding a girl and flying in a heart shape. she thought i was cute and expressed how she was feeling.
micha was laying on her bed, listening to music. then she felt a buzz, and looked at her phone. it was kymber. weird. but she answered. "hey micha," she said, in her burbbley happy voice, "how was your weak?" "it was great," micha replied.
it was wednesday, when micha went to youth group with her best friend lily. it was lily she first told about byron, and lily who she described and screamed over the kiss with. but they were walking to youth group, as usual, and micha noticed a new guy playing football. he was far off, but she could tell he was good. when they got closer she gasped a little and pulled lily to the side. "it's him!!! byron! do i look ok, is my hair messed up?" micha freaked out. lily wasn't helping either, "ooh! he must have came all this way for you. aww! and he lives a long way off, too!" the two girls couldn't stop giggling.
when they arrived they just waved and went down to their usual table in the sun. yes, micha kept looking over at byron. who wouldn't? he was sooo cute. and athletic, she also noticed. after one more throw he came over and sat by them. "hey," he greeted, smiling that shy but confident smile. "what brings you to this side of the hill" micha inquired. "oh, i just wanted to see you," he said nonchalantly. of course micha blushed at that, and lily's grin got wider.
and it was time to pray, and eat. so they did the grace thing, and when byron and micha walked in to get food, byron just casually slipped his arm around her. micha smiled, and was once again amazed at how right it felt. so they grabbed their stuff and headed back out. when they got to the table, brandon sat in micha's seat and grinned. he patted his lap, and micha obliged. he was comfier than the chair anyway.
the afternoon passed, with micha and byron spending the whole time together. whether it was football, or just sitting in the garage discussing the music, they were never far from eachothers sight. or reach, as they were always in contact, even if it was just shoes touching, or more often arms around eachother. then he looked at her, beautiful brown eyes looking into hers, and asked, "does it amaze you how right we feel together?" she nodded, and added, "like we just fit. or harmonize?" he squeezed her a little closer, leaned in, and murmered, "be my girlfriend?" micha smiled and replied, "yes. kiss me?" "yes."
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
and i swear i love kassie now. like i would take a bullet for her, lol. she pulled me over to brandon and we slow danced. even though he's so in love with kassie he'll sacrifice himself to make her and her friends happy, i felt like maybe, just for a little but, that i mattered to him. dumb, huh? but either way it felt nice, and after that i just completely relaxed and didn't give a crap about what anyone else thought about my dancing. so kassie basically made my night. if you read this i love you! lol. crystal and sam were so cute, too. just had to say that. |
artistic 
ecstatic
Thursday, May 24, 2007
the list
wow. i'm so boy crazy i scare myself. lets see the list.
1- kyle d 2- griz 3- mike ross (shut up, milly) 4-devon (shut up, angie) 5- brandon moore (maybe when hell freezes over. twice.) 6- sonny 7-evans 8-spencer (should have dated him when i had the chance) 9- garrett (haven't talked to him in forever, but damnit, i just can't get over him) 10- aaron 11- nick (so far beyond my reach it's not even funny)
sad, huh? lol. i'm pathetic.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
watching the god as he waltzes through the hall. praying that he looks at me and yet so contemptous of his presence
Friday, March 02, 2007
| | frustration
its hard, liking someone completely and totally out of your reach, someone who would never give you a second glance, or a first one for that matter. i've been there, done that. |
discontent
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
and the moral of the story is...
Current mood: 
tired
(byron=brandon)
ok, so this is my suspense story. i like it. and whats that they put on the end of movies again? ...any similarities to actual people, living or dead, are purely coincidal... not! don't take it personally, most of whoever reads it probably aren't in this story anyways. even if you know who they are based on, it doesn't matter cuz i mostly just used their looks, not their personalities- mostly, not completely. except me and michelle cuz we're cool like that. and don't make fun of my names. on to the story! The Darker Side of Drama Great,
You see, Rhia was special. She had a 6th sense. When she played, sang, or hummed at a certain pitch, she could feel the intentions and thoughts of those around her. Closing her eyes helped her concentrate more, but even without doing so she could almost read peoples' minds. Lying to her was nearly impossible.
Whatever, every school has a dark crowd. She reread her schedule and then walked in to room 203. Unfortunately, she happened to enter right in the middle of a lecture. Every eye was on her. "Rhiannon, I presume?" the teacher, who she remembered was named Mr. Blunk, asked. He called her by her whole name, which she liked usually, but since this was the 3rd time today it was pronounced wrong she figured her nick name would work better at this school.
"Rhia," she corrected. Mr. Blunk nodded, walked over to his computer, typed a bit, and then resumed his lecture. After she took a seat near the back she looked around the class while humming very quietly. One of those patches of darkness she had noticed earlier was centered on a group of kids. They weren't the dark type, or at least you wouldn't think so by looking at them. There were a couple of girls who had all the makeup, miniskirts, and annoying giggles of the typical popular group. A guy with an innocent, adorable smile and shiny brown hair was clearly the center of the group. Just a popular group, like at all the other schools she'd been to. Although they seemed normal on the outside, Rhia's humming showed her something weird.
As she listened to what they were saying, she could clearly hear mindless gossip. A closer look showed that the thoughts of the group were full of shadowy images and she thought there was a hint of blood. Vampires? She wondered.
The amazingly good looking guy suddenly caught her looking at their group. He flashed her a smile and a wink, and a blush rose to her cheeks. Rhia was one of those girls that stay in the background and don't get noticed by guys like him. That one smile was enough to completely kill her defenses and when he beckoned to come join his group she walked over with no hesitation.
"I'm Byron," he said. "This is Ava," pointing to an athletic red-head, "Kyra," a short but pretty brunette, "And Juliana," a girl with dyed blonde that didn't look pretty or athletic. The three girls greeted her with a friendly hi, but she could feel the hostility dripping from them. Jealousy filled their thoughts, and by tuning her attention to each girl individually, she got three different images of her in pain. A little shocked by the brutality of the girls, she got quiet and finally started listening to the lecture still going on.
Rhia was jolted out of her daydream when the bell suddenly went off. P.E. next. She pushed through the chaos in the hall until she got to the gym. Luckily, there were none of the dark girls in the locker room. Instead she found two friendly girls who felt like nice people. They looked about as different as 2 people could. One was tall and blonde, one had dark hair and wasn't exactly tall.
"Hi, I'm Rhia," I greeted them.
"Oh, Rhia as in short for Rhiannon?" the blonde one asked. She even pronounced it right! "Rhiannon is such a cool name!"
"And while we're on the subject of names, we're Michelle," the brunette added. Michelle must have noticed the slightly confused look on Rhia's face, because she explained how that was both of their names.
"If you want, you can call me Micha," the blonde one said helpfully.
"Ok, that's a little easier to remember, thanks," Rhia said.
The trio continued to the gym where they stretched together. Byron was there, and Rhia started to ask questions about him.
"What do you think about Byron?" she questioned. Michelle and Michelle exchanged looks, as if to say, "He's gotten to her already?"
"Don't take this the wrong way," Micha started hesitantly.
"But you do not want to get involved with him," Michelle finished. "The girls involved with him always change dramatically."
"They will go from intelligent, kind girls to stupid, ruthless bitches overnight, as soon as they get close to him and in with all of his crowd," Micha explained.
"There is something that goes seriously wrong with all of them," Michelle said in somewhat hushed tones.
Michelle was trying to be quiet because he and some of his friends were a couple yards away. Rhia was sure they were being overdramatic. For one thing, when she hummed she could only sense typical guy thoughts coming from that group: rock, girls, partying, but for a second she felt a shadow of doubt because she knew in a room full of people like the gym, certain thoughts could be overlooked. Plus, at that exact moment, Byron turned and smiled at her. Her knees got all shaky and she started showing off her flexibility.
"Who are those guys he's hanging out with, then?"
Micha and Michelle sighed and looked worried, but told her anyways. There was a really tall, skinny, lean guy with dark hair and skin named Lee, a short bulky guy with orange hair whose name was Cody, and a grinning guy with huge dimples named Kalin. All of them typical, run of the mill popular guys.
"Does Byron have a girlfriend?" Now the two Michelles looked really concerned.
"Listen, Rhia, don't do it. Forget about him, his friends, and everything. You do not want to get on the bad side of the clique that's always after Byron. Byron his self is not a nice guy, as hot as he may be, and the drama following him will ruin your life. Literally. Horrible things will happen. " Now the two Michelles were getting annoying. Rhia hated being told what to do more than anything, so she walked over and sat right by him.
"Want some gum?" Byron offered. She accepted and realized that it was the first time she had gum in ages. Chewing gum messed up her powers because she couldn't hum on tune. Normally that bothered her, but Byron's closeness was so overwhelming she didn't really notice, and even if she had she was in such a state that she probably wouldn't have cared.
The two Michelles were watching her sadly, but they weren't the only ones noticing Rhia and Byron. Another girl passing in the hall looked in the door. This girl's name was Kay, a very close friend of Juliana. By lunch time, the entire clique knew about Byron and Rhia's new friendship.
Byron was part of their group, and the clique was not about to lose him to some new chick they didn't even know. Together they hatched a plot to make Rhia's life miserable. When she wasn't looking they wrote trashy notes about her. Rumors suddenly came out of nowhere about her. She would trip on something she could never see. Rhia didn't care though. She knew the clique hated her, but Byron didn't, and that's all that mattered to her.
One day Rhia was walking along on her own outside and there was a sharp pain on the back of her leg. When she looked down she could see blood dripping from a deep cut on her leg. She hummed and could feel a malicious presence way off to one side of the school, and saw Kyra and Juliana laughing at her. Another thing she noticed was a cool piece of blue obsidian on the ground, but she was too busy trying to stop the bleeding to pick it up. Later she even want back to look for it but it was gone. The cut never healed right and started to get a bluish infection.
Tired of the abuse from the other girls, she talked to Byron about it. He said it was no big deal, they were just jealous because she was hotter than them. He also said he was sorry and would talk to them to get them to stop. Rhia knew immediately that he was lying, but he touched her arm and she just kind of melted before she could figure out what he was lying about.
A few days passed by and Rhia felt more and more hostility from the clique until she could tell they literally wanted to murder her. She wasn't seriously worried, though, they were just some preppy airheads with dark thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts did scare her, especially those coming from Juliana. They showed that Juliana's daydreams were of Rhia screaming in pain and were so vivid Rhia had to leave the class a couple of times because she felt sick.
The night after a particularly horrible day, Rhia remembered she left homework in her locker. She was listening to her iPod because Nickelback always made her feel better. Her footsteps echoed through the dark halls. She wasn't humming so she was completely unaware when she was pushed in the back. "Hey, watch it!" she cried. When she turned around she saw the whole clique, staring daggers at her.
"Like, hi, Rhia." Juliana addressed Rhia in a voice that brought to mind sugar coated razors. Rhia unplugged her iPod and slowly, quietly started humming. "Don't even think about it." The sugar was gone now. Pain ripped through Rhia for an instant, causing her to drop her note. Fire was burning through her veins, or that's what it felt like. She fell to the floor from the shock, but got back up after a second. Cackling laughter filled the hall.
"What's your problem?!" Rhia shouted shakily. She already knew, though.
"It's Byron," explained Ava. Juliana shot her a look which obviously meant she should shut up or suffer. Juliana took over and started speaking as if Ava had never spoken.
"You can't have him," stated Juliana. Rhia told her what she thought of that.
"Screw you! I can have whoever I want. And you can't do anything about it!" She turned and started walking off.
"Oooh, wrong move," a voice came from behind her, slow and cold.
This time it was ice running through her and she felt it start to expand in her veins. A long, high scream tore from Rhia's throat. She could feel the life slipping from her, her vision fading.
"Turn around," the icy voice commanded. She did so, in hopes that they might stop and feel some mercy for her. The pain did subside, and after she could see again she noticed the cause of her pain. A piece of blue obsidian, bloodstained violet, lay in the palm of Juliana's hand.
"Oh, so you see how it works now?" Juliana taunted. Ava reached over and touched it with her nail, which was painted fiery red. The flames under Rhia's skin returned and she shrieked again. Ava lifted her finger and the torment ended. An evil grin appeared on Juliana's face and she nodded to Kay, who touched the stone with an ice blue nail. Ice flared through Rhia again, but she couldn't scream because her voice gave out. After Kay lifted her perfectly manicured nail, Rhia started sobbing.
"I can't take it anymore," she pleaded, "Just stop, please, you can have him! Just please, please stop."
"Oh, it's too late for that now. You've been through too much. There's only one thing to do now." Juliana was clearly enjoying herself. Another girl stepped up. Her nails were black, with skulls on them. Kyra, Ava, and the girl all touched the stone.
It was over, and Rhia knew it. The pain was too great, and she felt a deadness spreading through her. One last thought ran through her head, Where'd the music go? The blackness took over, and then-
"Stop!" Byron came crashing through the doors, followed by his friends Cody, Kalin, Lee, and Devon. They rushed over and tried to help Rhia up. She gasped and got up and was about to try running one more time, but Lee grabbed her. Gently, yes, but he was still keeping her from escaping.
"Why? What did I do to deserve this?" Rhia was shouting hysterically. Byron put his hand on her shoulder reassuringly, and she calmed down. She knew Byron was her friend, he wouldn't hurt her. Tears were still streaming down her face, though.
"Whose idea was this? I can't believe how retarded and screwed up you jealous idiots are acting! Listen to me," Byron told the group of girls, Juliana in particular. "there is a better way to dealing with this." Rhia was sure Byron was going to save her, that he was on her side. He continued, "Killing her right off the bat would be way too messy, it could bring up so many problems."
Too many problems? she started weeping again. Now Rhia was really scared, because she realized the only reason he was saving her was to help himself. Byron turned to Rhia. Byron turned to her. "Join us," he said simply. "Join us or die." Rhia let out one last long, despairing sob because she knew resistance was useless. Then she nodded and Byron hugged her tight, and for a really long time.
Epilogue
Michelle and Micha stood off to one side in P.E. They were watching Rhia giggling and lightly slapping and flirting sickeningly with the guys. Makeup coated her face and her hair had yellowy-blonde streaks in it. When Rhia turned around for a second, and made eye contact with them, there was a haunted, empty look in her eyes. Then she turned and started gossiping again.
"We warned her," said Micha.
"Yes we did, we practically spelled it out for her," Michelle said, sadly shaking her head.
"What else could we say? 'You'd better watch out, or you'll get your soul sucked out?'" And yet Micha somehow felt guilty, as did Michelle.
"There's no help for her now," Michelle finished and the two went back to their stretches.
Micha especially felt the loss of their new friend. She saw that Rhia had so much music in her, so much potential. After that night, Rhia often had long spells of complete silence, and she could never hit a note without being horribly flat or sharp, whether it was a vocal chord or on an instrument.
ouch. thats a lot of brandon....
