...I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love. -Marilyn Monroe

today i'm going to blog about something i don't think i ever have. something a lot deeper than my usual boy drama, although there is a good amount of that i could write about.

baptism.

i'm not sure if anyone who reads this really knows me all that well, but if you didn't know, i'm an agnostic.

i have no idea if there is or isn't a god, and i've never been one to go to church or practice religion in any way.

my mom was raised catholic, and didn't believe it, and didn't like some of the views. i don't think my dad was brought up in a religious family, so i was never spoon-fed a religion by my parents, like a lot of kids are.

 

sometimes i almost wish i was, because now, here i am, i know nothing, have been taught nothing, and the way i see it, it would have been so much easier to be part of a religion as a kid, to at least learn what it is like, and disagree with it later or find out later that it's not right for me. i'm a teenager, in high school, and i have no idea about any of it. now it's getting to the point where i'm curious, and thinking and wondering and wanting to know and believe, but i'm so busy now. if i learn anything, i have to take it out of my own time and find out everything on my own. and i feel bad for saying this, but i am not ready to give up my sunday mornings.

 

lately i've been spending a lot of time in the company of my local mormon friends. i went to their dances, and now i'm singing with them for their state conference. i love the way it all feels, they're so open and welcoming and family-like. i even met this really great guy through their church. my friends ronnie and karena keep inviting me to their church and their youth group, and my mom works with a lady who goes to and they're all so friendly.

 

and then recently, i've been thinking maybe i want to get baptized. the mormons baptize the dead, i'm not sure how, but i was thinking i'd much rather do it while i'm alive and who knows, if i were to die tomorrow, it might influence where i go afterwards. so i asked ronnie about it, he said there was a baptism by water and a baptism by fire, and that's where you join the church of latter day saints, his church. but i don't want to be a member of a church just yet. church sounds like a lot of responsibility. and apparently you can have one baptism without the other. so what do i do? this is something i think i want, but i can't go just halfway. if it can save my soul, or something like that, i owe it to myself to at least try.

 

i just don't know anymore. there's a lot of stuff that makes no sense to me about religion. like christ and the holy ghost and all that. i do believe in a higher power, maybe not the stereotypical god. (like, excuse me, but why does god have to be a male?) i think i'll try to read the bible and the book of mormon and everything, maybe it'll make more sense.

 

so yea. hmm.