so i mentioned the whole jon seal confessing his love for me thing, that was interesting to say the least.

then i also sent trevor a text- "So... pretty much exactly what you promised wouldn't happen is happening?

because we haven't really talked at all since you left"

and he hadn't. i had, or at least i tried to. "hows it feel to be back" "good morning" "hows the weather"

sad, i know, but i didn't want it to completely die, you know?

and he'd only texted me once, after he left, saying he got in ok because that's what i asked

other than that, we hadn't talked at all

and of course as soon as i broughtt it up, it was

"baby i've missed you so much i was just waiting for you to text me i haven't stopped thinking about you at all"

haha. yea... which is why i sent like 4 unanswered texts, and he sent none

oh well. should have expected it.

but now i'm seeing little things that bug me

like the whole, lets use pet names so she doesn't get too pissed at me, thing

idk. on the upside i'm not sad, just annoyed. lol. typical guy i guess, huh?

lol

this time seal said he loves me

as in

i love you

not luv ya, love ya, luv you,

pretty funny stuff

he's gone, and you know what? i feel better.

want to know why?

well... it starts with denagh.

she took me to a metaphysical store.

it was amazing in there, honestly, i felt so comfortably and at home.

and it smelled amazing lol

but i was there to find a deck of tarot cards

denagh said i had to find the one that really calls to me

there were all sorts of them

one i liked because the artwork was very pretty

but when i read the box

 it just talked about how it was designed by the top of the line computer software

blegh

and then i found one that really interested me

it's called the revelations tarot and i absolutely love it

well i got that, and then denagh explained my 'situation' to samantha, the store lady

they both suggested burning some candles to help let go and gave me the right colors

blue to ease emotional hurt, red for him,

orange to give me energy to not just be all blegh about it,

white to send him off with my blessing

and yellow to call someone to my life who will bring sunshine with them

well as soon as i got home i read my new cards

it explained me exactly. i'm talking like scary accurate

they all pointed to the end of one journey/era/part in my life to the beginning of a new

they told me my obstacles were my shitty home life

but i have someone there to nurture me and give me strength and a positive role model, totally denagh

it said love or balance was in my future, but to aviod immediate relationships

i swear it was the most amazing thing

i love my deck =)

and then before i went to bed i burnt all my candles but one

i left out the yellow because i need to anoint it with some oil first, denagh has it

so i burned the blue, red, white, and orange

and this morning... i feel great!

i'm not sad, even though the guy i might have loved is gone

all i remember is how well he treated me, but not enough to be longing for it

it honestly feels like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders

and you know what... trevor doesn't even believe in magic anyway.

but i do.

i think i ruined it all. or maybe there was nothing to ruin.

but i sure feel horrible now.

so we spent the afternoon together. it was fantastic. and... i lost my virginity. *collective gasp!*

it was worth it. it was everything i wanted it to be and more.

then i had to go... of course i was sad. i knew it'd be the last time i'd see him in months.

but i was still content.

then i get a text from his ex, that he just told her all about it and he said i fucked someone else too

and she didn't want me to get hurt. she even called me and explained things.

so i basically freaked out on him. i was hurt. i thought she was right, i knew she probably was.

and he denied it all, said he liked me so much and that she just wanted to mess things up

and i said i didn't know who to trust.

and he said he was going to stay to be with me. but now it wouldn't be worth it.

this hurt the worst. see, said he was gonna stay for me. and i blew that.

and it hurt. a lot. and i told him i wanted him to stay, and he said he already told his mom he would go.

i knew from the start he was going back, and there was no real chance

but this made me feel like i threw away my chance, at, idk, love or something

so it hurts, still.

but i'm getting over it.

because jason said i got played. which i think i pretty much did.

he pointed out that if he was really gonna stay for me, he would have told me earlier

so when i think about it, i probably was just another hook up for him.

he was in town for a week, won me over, got in my pants

so now i can either be pissed, or be sad. maybe some of both.

i don't regret it, though. i enjoyed myself.

and the only thing i ever asked was when i lost my virginity, it was to someone who i cared about

and i did/do care about him. i may have even possibly loved him. i just told him so.

maybe i'll scare him away with the L word. i think it'd hurt less, then.

i'm tearing up, damn it. i hate crying.

such a bittersweet summer fling...

my phone is freaking out.

my cats are freaking out.

and i am close to freaking out.

i didn't even (recently) drop my phone, an lg shine, or get it wet. it's been on the bathroom counter while i was taking a shower, so i suppose a drop of water or two might have landed on it, but that shouldn't make the keys all tweaky like they are now. when i got out of the shower i picked it up cuz it was making dialing noises and then it started writing 454545454546666666666, so i shut it down, then i turned it back on and the little joystick thingie didn't work right, now certain buttons aren't doing what they're supposed to. ahh!

i think my cats might just have got into some speed, maybe.

and i'm freaking out because tomorrow is it. it. as in i'm doing it and losing it and giving it to him.

exciting, right?

i'm full of mixed emotions.

there's excitement at the front. i mean this is a guy i reallllllllly like, might even love, and i know he'll treat me right, and i know he'll make it an amazing experience. i want it to be him.

there's also apprehension. part of me is gonna worry about the whole protection thing like crazy.

i mean, it's success rate is 98% and knowing my luck, i'd be one of those two girls out of a hundred where it doesn't work. but it's a risk i'm willing to take.

wow. so here it goes, huh?