christmas or 6 months or prom or 1 year or engagement night or wedding night?

i have no clue.

we get so close so often. body to body, taking a shower or sleeping nude or just laying naked.

but no sex, not yet.

we want it, both of us. but we refrain.

it has to be special, the first time he deserves and the first time i threw away and never got to have.

we almost did last weekend. i didn't know, but he had it all planned.

at my favorite place in the world. just me and him at that happy place i hold dear.

a finale to the amazing weekend we had, a preview of the rest of our lives.

all day all night friday to monday. heaven.

our own little house, a roomy 2 person tent to share.

body heat and warmed up skin to share, with nothing in between.

sleeping curled up in his arms, waking to his presence.

beautifulbeautifulbeautiful.

i finally found my place in the world and i knew, knew that he was the one.

and apparently i'm his one, too.

and that's why his rules changed. promises shifted.

should i feel guilty?

a week into the relationship he told me he was going to wait until marriage.

a gift for his wife.

now he says that was a vow made before he had ever felt like i make him feel.

made it for reasons that had nothing to do with him

that i'm going to be his wife, and why should it be now or later?

my body screams nownownow but i still doubt myself

i feel like i'm corrupting him or seducing him or something

although i'm the one that stops us when we get close

and, my, is that a fun game

talk about self control

i wish i had someone to talk to this about

but i have a hard time in confiding in anyone about this

i don't want to be judged or for anyone to think any less of me

i'm afraid of hearing all my doubts repeated

so right now i'll wait

it could happen tonight or it could happen in 2 years. i don't know.

all i know is i love kristopher with all my heart

and i want to do what's best for him

help please?

i'm so worried about kris. i haven't really written anything about this earlier because i was hoping it'd go away or stabilize but now i'm thinking it's worse than just a little weight loss. kris, when we started dating, was a little on the chubby side. a little more to love. but in the 3 months we've been spending time together, he's dropped a massive amount of weight. at first i thought it was just because he was being more active or eating healthier but now i can't really deny the fact that it's unhealthy. because he eats a lot and he's not exercising at all really. and then jeremiah and my coach were talking about it and ganschow brought up how someone he knew started losing tons of weight and was always hungry and thirsty, which is exactly what is happening to kris. and i looked up the symptoms online and he has every one of the symptoms of type 1 diabetes. constant hunger, weight loss, thirst, and today he was even talking about how fatigued he felt at work and how he had no energy. i'm so scared for him. diabetes has tons of complications and can lower life expectancy and he'll have to deal with insulin and all that stuff for the rest of his life, if he has it. but at least i'll be here to help. i love him.

My Goals

1. Pass Class

2. Run Fast

Seriously. That's it. I want to really concentrate on school and go somewhere with running. I don't have to worry about boy drama, that will be huge I'm sure. I have the only man in my life that I need and there's no one else who has any sort of effect over me anymore. Friend are still important, but frankly, I don't have a lot of super close ones anymore. Besides Ronnie and Chelsea, they're the best. I know they'll stick around through just about anything. Chelsea has no classes with me though, which is really a bummer. But between those two and Kris, I'll be fine. I want to do a great job in everything I set out to do. Quality, not quantity this year. This summer was completely amazing and I wish it never had to end, but I made the best of it and the upcoming year is really important to my future, so I'll try my best. Wish me luck!